Shyness or Social Anxiety? Understanding the Overlap
- Liz Calley
- Oct 8
- 3 min read
Many adults describe themselves as “just shy.” Maybe you prefer to stay in the background, let others do the talking, or avoid being the centre of attention. Shyness is a perfectly normal personality trait—but sometimes what looks like shyness can actually be social anxiety. And the difference matters, because social anxiety is treatable, and with the right tools you can thrive, not just cope.
Common Issues Shy Adults Face
If you’ve ever felt that shyness is holding you back, you’re not alone. Many adults who describe themselves as shy notice challenges like:
At work: Avoiding speaking up in meetings, passing on networking opportunities, or overthinking emails long after hitting “send.”
In friendships: Worrying that you’re not fun or interesting enough, avoiding invitations, or replaying conversations for days.
In family life or parenting: Feeling awkward at the school gates, struggling with small talk at family gatherings, or dreading social events.
Personally: Missing out on experiences you’d love to try—travelling, joining a class, or even voicing your needs in a relationship.
When these patterns become constant, they may go beyond “just shyness” and point toward social anxiety.
Shyness or Social Anxiety? Why it Matters
Shyness is a personality trait—you might always be quieter or more reserved, and that’s a valid part of who you are. Social anxiety, however, is an anxiety disorder. It’s fuelled by patterns of negative thinking, avoidance, and heightened physical responses like racing heart, sweating, or mind blanks in social situations. The good news? Social anxiety is highly treatable.
A Simple Technique to Try at Home
Next time you feel that familiar wave of anxiety in a social setting, try this grounding technique:
Long exhale slowly – Imagine breathing out some of the tension. Long exhales engage your body's 'rest and response' mode and signal safety.
Shift focus – Instead of asking, “How am I coming across?” ask, “What can I notice about the other person/the room?”
Act As If – Try stepping into the role of a slightly more confident version of yourself, even just for a few minutes. This gentle shift can reduce overthinking and help you engage more naturally.
How Therapy Can Help You Go Deeper
One client came to me after years of describing herself as “just shy.” She avoided speaking up in meetings, dreaded social events, and often replayed conversations in her head, convinced she’d said something wrong.
Together, we used CBT techniques to reflect on the thoughts and beliefs that were fuelling her anxiety—things like “Everyone is watching me,” or “If I speak, I’ll make a fool of myself.” Step by step, we challenged these patterns and built up more balanced, compassionate ones that gave her the confidence to try new things.
Alongside this, I used hypnotherapy to help her mentally rehearse using those new thought patterns in real-life situations. She practiced imagining herself entering a meeting calm and grounded, or chatting at a social gathering without overthinking. Over time, these mental rehearsals became reality, and she found herself handling situations she once dreaded with far more ease.
Another client’s struggles showed up in her personal life. At the school gates, she found herself clinging to her phone, too anxious to join in with the other parents. She worried constantly about being judged or saying the wrong thing. Together, we worked on uncovering the beliefs underneath—such as “Everyone else belongs, I don’t.” We worked together to reframe those thoughts and practiced small, achievable steps to build confidence. Using hypnotherapy, she rehearsed walking up, smiling, and starting simple conversations. In time, she noticed not only was she engaging more with others, but she was also feeling far less drained by the experience.
These kinds of transformations are possible when we move beyond surface “shyness” and address the deeper thought patterns fuelling social anxiety.
👉 If you’d like to explore how this kind of work could support you, you can follow me on Instagram for real chats and practical tools, or book a free 30-minute no obligation discovery here.
